


Kisses and the commode

by TiradaCheo



Series: Sanders Sides Fics in English [2]
Category: Sanders Sides, Sanders Sides (Web Series), Thomas Sanders
Genre: M/M, Magic, Sort Of, kiss
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-23
Updated: 2017-10-31
Packaged: 2019-01-22 02:07:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,736
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12471092
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TiradaCheo/pseuds/TiradaCheo
Summary: Boring afternoon in commons of mindscape. Logan is reading, Roman is narrating, Virgil is listening to music… Until it stops being so boring.





	1. Part one - logicality

**Author's Note:**

  * A translation of [Całusy i komoda](https://archiveofourown.org/works/12305616) by [TiradaCheo](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TiradaCheo/pseuds/TiradaCheo). 



Logan sat on the couch in the living room peacefully reading, Virgil sat on the commode next to closet and listened to music through his headphones, while Roman stood in the middle of the living room, narrating something in an elevated tone. He totally ignored that his listeners were not interested in his story, he was too focused on narrating.

After all, Logic was able to tell what Prince was saying but he preferred to concentrate on something else. Especially since he never knew whether the regal persona was saying something literally or whether he was only using fancy rhetoric figures. Logan began to assume in advance that everything Prince was saying was one big metaphor. In this way, he didn’t feel the need to wonder if, for example, the sentence: “She ripped his heart from his chest, trampled it and left him there with the deepest wound, to endless suffering” is either a picturesque description of rejection or the mentioned woman was strong and cruel enough to literally wrest the man’s heart from his chest. Sometimes it’s better to not know.

“Princey, stop it. Nobody listens to you” growled Anxiety.

“Ha! You paid attention to me, so it means that even with your headphones on, you can hear me. You’re listening to me.”

“Because I don’t have a choice! You’re talking loud enough to drown out the music in the headphones. Stop!”

“ Oh my dark vigilant shadow, it’s…”

At that moment, Logan stopped listening. Earlier he tried to practice divisibility of attention, but now he decided that he prefers not to listen to the next quarrel between Roman and Virgil. Each of them sounded similar, so he hadn’t had any reason to collect useless information about insults and teasing. But one statement caught his attention back.

“Go to the devil, Roman.”

“Virgil, that is technically impossible” - he interrupted, surprised by such an illogical statement. - “Even if we skip the issue of the dubious existence of the devil himself, he, according to all beliefs and legends, is living in hell. If you want to go to hell, you have to die, but you also have to be a bad person enough to be sentenced to eternal damnation. Roman would have to be dead and have more bad deeds than good deeds. Assuming that Roman managed to die to complete this request, even if I can completely agree with the fact that he is sometimes a very irritating and difficult person” - Prince snorted. - “He is undoubtedly not evil. There’s a reason we all call him ‘Prince’.”

“I don’t know if I should thank you or feel offended” Roman said.

Virgil just threw a resigned look at Logan and murmured something which sounded suspiciously like: “Why is it always me? Take Prince seriously for once.” Logic ignored him and went back to his book. He heard Prince breathing in and starting another sentence, probably to continue the argument but he had stopped in the middle of the word. Logan looked up from his novel.

He saw Patton standing next to Prince, grinning brightly. Roman’s expression was of complete surprise as he held his cheek.

“W-Why?” he asked.

“Oh, Roman! You seemed to be upset. And I’m always in a better mood when someone kisses or hugs me. You’re not?”

“Oh.”

Patton immediately started to worry.

“You’re not, oh my, I didn’t think that you’d mind, I thought…”

“No, no!” - Roman denied quickly. - “ I don’t mind! Of course not. Actually physical manifestations of attention is a daily routine for me and your actions were great, now I’m in a perfect mood!”

Roman smiled widely. Patton smiled back and turned to Anxiety who was sitting on the commode. Logic put down the book and watched.

“Virgil! Can I kiss you too, kiddo?” Morality asked.

Anxiety frowned, jumped from the commode, clearly uncomfortable and sighed when he encountered Patton’s hopeful look.

“Fine” he muttered finally.

Delighted Morality ran to him and pecked him on the cheek. Anxiety winced but when Patton turned his back to him, he smirked.

This time Morality turned to Logan. Logan knew, that since Patton kissed the remaining two, he probably also will be kissed. Logic just didn’t know if he is more happy or if he is more surprised by his own happiness. As he suspected, Morality came to him.

“Logan! Can you come with me for a moment?” he asked.

“Of course y-” Logic stopped. He didn’t expect that question. Fortunately, he reconsidered his answer quickly and continued in another way. “y… I can”.

He stood up and followed Patton, ignoring the other two, who exchanged glances. He tried to focus on ignoring the sudden disappointment he felt when he had heard Morality’s question.

They were in the hall, quite far from the closed door of the living room. So there were nothing more than an empty hall and a red carpet. Around the next corner were doors to their rooms. To enter the kitchen you have to go through the living room. Morality stopped next to the bend, he took a deep breath and turned to Logan.

“Logan, I have a question.”

“I understand. To whom is it directed? Do you need my advice?” Logic immediately rejected himself as a potential recipient. He didn’t understand why Patton would lead him out of the living room just to ask a question. He came to the conclusion that Morality needs help, because a question is imperfect and it needs to be improved in private.

“To you, silly! I don’t need advice, I just… “ Morality budged and shifted back and forth hesitantly. Logan waited patiently until Patton managed to gather his thoughts. It wasn’t the best idea, because Morality instead of continuing his sentence, stared at the carpet. Logan sighed. That drew Patton’s attention.

“Well maybe you would like some advice? Before you ask about anything, you should know, that asking questions is based on making a sentence characterising what you expect answered from someone. Unless you’re asking a rhetorical question, but I don’t think that’s the case this time. Anyway, the question form depends on what you ask and what kind of answers you expect. The questions that require a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ answer are different from these which give you more information. There exists a basic difference between “Did you have dinner?” and “What did you have for a dinner?”. How ,as you can notice…”

“Logan!”  Patton interrupted him. “As much as I love listening to y… that, at this moment I don’t need information about it.”

“I understand. So what is going on?”

Patton breathed deeply.

“The thing is that… I… I want to ask you a question.”

“Yes, indeed, I’m aware of that, you made this statement earlier.”

“Exactly. And this question… I wanted to ask you something in connection with this question!” - Logan realized that Patton circulates around the subject, making the conversation longer. But he was curious anyway.

“About what?”

“Can you…” Patton made some decision and he stopped avoiding Logan’s gaze. “Ok. I just wanted to ask you to answer me honestly.”

“Patton, naturally, I see no problem in that. I don’t understand why I would answer you insincerely or ,what’s worse, wrong.

Morality again took a deep breath and smiled.

“If you say so. So… Can I kiss you?”

It confused Logan. He didn’t expect this question. Just a moment ago Patton asked Virgil about it. Why this discreteness? So he said the first thing that came to his mind, without thinking.

“It’s obvious that you can. Why not?”

“Really?” Patton almost jumped in place.

Logan didn’t quite understand why he was surprised. Shouldn’t Morality be more surprised by Anxiety’s agreement?

Yes” he couldn’t say anything else, because Patton immediately kissed him on the lips.

Logan froze, startled. He didn’t expect it. This behavior was completely inconsistent with Patton's earlier actions. Even if he could and he should suspect something like this from Morality, he still wasn’t prepared for such a drastic change of the operation. First of all, he was surprised at the location of the kiss, but not only. Beyond the location, the kiss was definitely longer and characterized by hesitancy which the short kiss on the cheek didn’t have. Although Logan didn’t like the unexpected and often inexplicably twists, which have no representation in reality, he had to admit that Morality’s move explained his hesitation and nervousness at least. Logan felt relief. He thought for a moment Morality’s strange behavior could have a serious, potentially dangerous source.

Patton finally moved away and looked at Logic’s surprised face with worry.

“Logan? Are you okay?”

“Y-yes” - Logan cleared his throat. - “I just didn’t expect that.”

“O-oh...” Patton averted his eyes with the face of a beaten puppy. That obliged Logan to continue his speech.

“But it still doesn’t change my answer. You know, kisses are very beneficial for the body. At first, this activity uses energy, so it is a potential exercise even though you do not need a lot of energy. As well, heart rate is increased from 80 to 120 heart beats per minute so blood flows faster in the veins, you’re breathing more deeply, so your brain is better oxygenated and this raises the level of happiness hormones. And also serotonin, adrenaline, oxytocin, dopamine…”

“ So kissing is healthy!” Patton interrupted Logan before he got completely into the lecture and he grabbed his hand on the occasion. Logic stopped talking, he smiled at Morality and nodded.

“Yes, I think you can say that.”

Suddenly they heard a loud crash from the living room. Logan and Patton looked at each other and ran there. They burst into the room. On the floor laid the commode on which Virgil previously sat. Virgil leaned against the wall pinned by Roman who was aiming at his chest with a katana. Behind Roman was hiding… a second Virgil? He was glaring at his doppelganger with hateful eyes.

“What is happening here?” Logan asked.

“You don’t want to know” answered the Anxiety standing next to the wall, looking quickly at him. He straight away looked back at the two in front of him. “You won this time Princey. But watch your words, guys. Otherwise I’ll be back soon.” He threatened and evaporated like smoke.

Everyone sighed with relief. Prince lowered his sword and relaxed tensed body. The remaining Anxiety turned to the arrivals and smirked.

“I knew it!” he cried, pointing at their still intertwined hands.

“Okay, you’re right, kiddo!” Patton said. “But who was that?”

“I refuse to answer that question.” Anxiety sank down, possibly to hide in his room. Roman was looking at him with small smile. Suddenly he opened his eyes wide as if someone had kicked him.

“Wait. What about… Virgil!” he cried. He wanted to pass Logan and Patton and run out of the living room, but Logic stood in his way.

“Roman, what did it want? Why did it threat you?”

Prince huffed impatiently.

“Listen, you two. It’s really nothing, but I have to talk to Virgil. We’ll explain everything later, I promise. So excuse me for now, but I have to catch him!” Roman said and ran out of the room. They were left alone with the overturned commode.

Patton looked at the door, at the commode, at Logan and again at the commode but this time he was smiling to himself. Logan was looking at the commode with a frown trying to understand the previous situation. It didn’t do him very well. There was an awkward silence until Morality broke it.

“So… Can I call you my boyfriend now?” he asked happily. Logan threw him a surprised look. Then he realized the other sides weren’t here so it’s best to set the doppelganger situation aside for later.

“Only if I can do it as well” he answered.

“Call yourself my boyfriend? Of course!”

“No, I mean-”

“I know Logan.” Morality chuckled. “I was kidding. You’re my good boy.”

“… I’m not a dog, Patton.”

This provoked another giggle from Morality. They lifted the commode together and gathered the papers from the floor. Eventually, later, when everything calms down, they’ll get what exactly had happened out of Roman and Anxiety. But for now they could wait and sit down in the living room, cuddling on the couch.


	2. Part two - prinxiety

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Who is this second Virgil? What happened with Prince and Anxiety.

Patton and Logan left the living room. Virgil and Roman looked at each other and immediately turned their eyes to the door.

“Do you think Patton will finally do it?” Roman asked, stubbornly staring at the handle.

“Maybe” Anxiety murmured. He leaned against the commode where he previously sat. Prince threw him another look.

“Why do you insist on sitting on that commode?” he asked.

Virgil shrugged.

“It’s comfortable.”

Prince frowned.

“It’s hard to believe that it’s more comfortable than the couch or the armchairs, which, may I remind you, are also standing in this living room.” he said, pointing at the furniture surrounding him. Anxiety put his hands in his pockets and rolled his eyes.

“It’s always unoccupied.”

“Yea well maybe that’s because no one would have thought about sitting on that!”

Anxiety scoffed.

“Well I did” he silenced for a moment before adding quietly ”Apparently I’m no one.”

“Virgil!” Roman cried. “Stop it! You’re not no one! You’re just…” he ran out of words for a while. “… stubborn. Really, I don’t understand why you always sit there.”

“I already told you, It’s comfortable.”

“UGH! I’m pretty sure it’s not more comfortable than the couch!”

“Have you ever tried it?!“ Anxiety raised his voice.

“NO!” Roman threw his hands up violently, startling Virgil causing him to curl up involuntarily. Though he shook his head and uncurled almost instantly.

“Don’t you regret it?” he asked quieter.

“That I’ve never sat on the commode? Should I?”

“Maybe you should?”

“Are you trying to persuade me that I should be upset because I’ve never sat on the commode?” Roman laughed shortly. “Nice try, Mad Hoodder but you won’t trick me! I’ve already predicted your dark intention! You will persuade all of us to sit in places that aren’t meant to be sat on, so sitting on furniture that IS meant to be sat on will become foreign to us and then YOU would be able to sit anywhere! HA HA!”

“Of course, Princey” Anxiety rolled his eyes. “Then I’ll take over the Tri-State Area.”

“I knew it!” Roman cried victoriously in a triumphant pose. He stood up straight at once. “Wait. That’s ridiculous. What are we talking about?! I was just about to ask you something completely different!”

“What was it?” Virgil cocked his head, curious.

“Are YOU not upset?”

“…”

“I mean about Patton and Logan” he explained shortly.

“Why would I be upset?” Anxiety asked, not knowing where Roman was heading with this conversation.

“You… like them.”

“Yeah…” Virgil nodded slowly, wondering if everything’s alright with Roman’s head. “I like them. It’s obvious. We’re the same person.”

Roman hesitated.

“I meant… You like them… in a different manner.”

A sudden silence fell

“You’re kidding, right? Where is the hidden camera?” Virgil looked around ostentatiously. “Who’s the Big Brother? Logan? Thomas? Patton?!”

“Virgil! I’m being serious! I can see that you like them!” Roman immediately added under his breath “More than me”, too quiet for Virgil to hear.

“Of course, I like them, but not like that! What gave you that idea?! Patton is like a Dad to me. He literally calls me his ‘son’!”

“What about Logan?”

“Skipping the fact that he’s totally in love with Morality, he’s just my friend. Again, what gave you that idea?” Virgil sighed. “You’re a moron.”

“HEY!”

“Oh so you’re not?”

“You behave quite differently with them than with me! And since we aren’t enemies but we’re also not on friendly terms, I came to the conclusion…”

“You know? Leave the thinking to Logan. At least he can do it correctly.”

Roman was outraged.

“I based it on what I knew about you!”

“Apparently you know nothing about me.”

“Sorry, I know nothing about you? ME?”

“Who else? I can bet that if you had to distinguish me from my copy, you would fail for sure.”

“Oh really? Well I bet I wouldn’t. I think I’d be able to identify our raisin cookie with no problem.”

Anxiety sighed heavily.

“No, you know, I’ve had enough. I can’t stand you anymore, talk to yourself.” Virgil headed to the kitchen, leaving Roman alone. Prince watched him walk away. He was about to sit on the couch but he hesitated and looked at the commode. Perhaps it’s worth a… Suddenly he heard Anxiety’s scream. And another one, also Virgil’s. He pulled out his sword but before he could run to the kitchen, Virgil came running to the living room. No. Two Virgils. They both looked terrified.

Roman looked from one to the other, unsure.

“Who are you?” he asked, aiming his sword at the first and then the second.

“Isn’t it obvious.” Virgil on the left said. The one on the right just rolled his eyes, but kept throwing anxious glances at his doppelgänger, even though he seem composed on the outside.

“Is this a test? Just a moment ago you were talking about a copy. Anxiety, are you in danger?” Roman asked calmly.

They both scoffed quietly, the left one added:

“Only because of you.”

Prince ignored that comment, focusing on the copies.

“Virgil, listen, I have to somehow figure out which one is the real one . Then I’ll be able to get rid of this… hallucination.”

“You don’t say.” The right Virgil leaned against the wall. The left one repeated this action on the second wall.

“I’m just wondering why it cloned you…” Roman said, staring at the clones.

“Don’t you think, it’s not the time for a…” The right Anxiety started but Prince interrupted him.

“It seems to me that your statement, or challenge even, had stimulated the mind palace so it made your copy. Although probably not an ideal copy.”

“How much time have you spent with Logan lately?”

“Since when do you think?”

The two comments overlapped in such a way that left Roman wondering which Virgil said what. Especially when they were both muttering under their breaths. But he felt offended anyway.

“Hey! I’m capable of knowing something! Should I remind you… two, that the mind palace is mostly my division.”

The right Virgil rolled his eyes again.

“Maybe you’re right.”

“Of course I’m right!”

“Eh, Roman, stop talking. Since you’ve been bragging so much before, you should already know which one of us is the real one, hm?” the left Virgil asked.

Roman frowned and aimed his sword at his chest.

“Be careful. Why are you in such a hurry?”

Anxiety’s eyes widened.

“Hey… Calm down, Roman…” he mumbled raising his hands trying to calm down Prince. The right Virgil snorted.

Roman changed his target to him. Anxiety rolled his eyes.

“Right. Being killed by a friend instead of the enemy. Great. Because we have to be original, right Princey?”

“Ha, ha!” Roman jumped in his place and quickly aimed his sword at the left Anxiety’s chest. “I knew it! The real Virgil would never miss the opportunity of potential death!”

“Congratulations Princey. You succeeded in thinking for once” the right, real Virgil stood behind Roman. Prince smiled.

“You do realise that I won the bet, right?”

“What?” Virgil looked at him from under his bangs.

“Even if the stake of the bet wasn’t pegged, I still won. I’m demanding a prize.” Roman grinned at him, although he kept an eye on the terrified clone.

“W- What? You!” Virgil wanted to yell at him but he just sighed. He didn’t want to argue about it anymore. He knew if he did that, Prince wouldn’t let go of this subject for a long time. Roman wouldn’t have much time to come up with something humiliating and irrational now anyway. “What do you want?”

Roman blinked surprised. He didn’t think that Anxiety would give up so quickly.

“Hmm…” Roman pretended to think. He lowered his sword slightly because of it. The fake Anxiety saw his chance. He slowly and carefully started moving to the exit.

Prince finally made a decision. “I want us to spend all day together.”

“WHAT?” He couldn’t surprise Virgil more.

“Exactly! You hang out with Patton or Logan, but never with me. I feel left out and since everything is fixed for this moment…” Before Virgil could answer, he was interrupted by Prince. “ And where do you think you’re going, sir?” Roman put his sword at the doppelgänger’s throat again. He was in front of the commode.

“I? N-nowhere…” the clone stuttered.

“Perfect, because I have some questions” Roman said.

“Me too” the real Anxiety added. “Tell us, what are you? How did you come into existence?”

“Why?” Roman added. “Is my theory right?”

The doppelgänger stared at them with wide eyes. He leaned his hands on the commode.

“I-I-I… I can… I mean, I was made because… You’re right, you know? The bet, the challenge, the mind palace, the idea, the dreams, the thoughts, I… I think that THIS will give you a better explanation though!” Suddenly the second Anxiety pushed over the commode. It fell down with a loud crash. Roman and Virgil had to jump back to avoid being crushed, while the doppelgänger avoided it in some inconceivable way. Unfortunately for him, Roman quickly collected himself and attacked him with the sword.

“You should know, you mongrel, that I only fight purebred dogs but maybe I’ll make an exception for you!” he shouted. The second Anxiety was up against the wall. Again. The real Anxiety stood behind Roman and looked at his copy with a murderous stare. He was muttering under his breath something that sounded suspiciously like: “I want this commode to be alright, otherwise…” His frustrated murmuring was cut off by a loud crash of the door.

A breathless Patton and Logan ran into the living room with intertwined hands.

“What is happening here?” Logan asked.

“You don’t want to know” the doppelgänger answered him, throwing them a quick glance. He looked back straight away at the two in front of him. The strange thing was, he didn’t look terrified anymore. He was eerily confident, even with a sword at his throat. “You won this time Princey. But watch your words, guys. Otherwise I’ll be back soon.” He threatened and evaporated like smoke.


End file.
